Back Again

      It seems that I like to take about a year off between blog posts.  I always find my way back to this space and take a look at old posts and spend time reminiscing about about the seasons and days I have written about.  I read through the posts of us trying to conceive and I remember how challenging but rewarding that time was and how I can not believe that we have three kids.  Or I look back at the pictures of Brooklynne's chubby cheeks that are gone now and I can't help but get teary eyed.  And every single time that I come back to this space I tell myself the same thing... "I need to blog more."  No one reads here, its just something for me and I am completely okay with that.  If I am totally transparent I think I prefer it that way, it keeps me honest.
      So with that being said, here I go again... promising myself that I will be at this space more.  Truth is, I think its good for me.  Last Friday, Jared and I had an impromptu dinner date.  As we sat at the thai restaurant I was able to share somethings on my heart with Jared that I had been keeping in because I didn't know how to articulate it.  In just being able to talk without the interruption of children I realized that sometimes I just feel trapped.  I feel trapped in motherhood, or I feel trapped in routine or I just feel trapped at home.  When the words came out I honestly felt lighter but suddenly guilt was right there.  Jared works two jobs as well as trying to grow his own construction company with his father and brother in law.  He does everything in his power to make sure I can be home with our kids.  It is one of the most important things to us and something that we have fought for since having our first child.  I love my life.  I found myself starting to defend myself to my husband before he could ever say a word.  I told him about how much I love being at home and so on and he stopped me and said :"I would go crazy if I had to do all that you do."  It was all I needed.  Jared is great about letting me know how much he appreciates me and all I do and I am so thankful for that; but in that moment when he acknowledged it I didn't feel so crazy.
       We spent the rest of our date brainstorming date ideas and some ways for me to enjoy some of my old hobbies again.  I haven't been knitting or sewing much because I have felt too busy and our budget is so tight but I know that for me creating is important.   It helps me feel more like me.
       Its interesting that I came across this space again, maybe this can become one of my creative outlets.  Being a wife and mother feels like giving away so much of yourself constantly so I know that it is important to recharge and take care of myself so I can be the best wife and mother for my family.

Amanda